Picking up the pieces
by mic
Summary: My version of "Take it like a man"


My version of what should happen in "Take it like a man" Feb. 27, 2004.  
  
Mac's apt. 0200  
  
Flashes of Horror, streaks of blood and terror, echoes of the screams, and pure uncontained Fear. Its like a whirl wind,   
  
all spinning out of control until it explodes and she can feel herself screaming her chest burning, her eyes fly open, she's   
  
pouring sweat and not sure where she is, then slowly it starts to come back together. She is safe, at home, alone, it was  
  
just another nightmare, like all the other ones before. She sits there for a few minutes still shaken with unspent pent up fear, then anger creeps in, anger at herself for not being able to control her fears, or for it being there at all. She wants to cry but cant, something deep inside that just wont let her. "Damn you McKenzie!" is all she can say, all she can feel.....  
  
...It's been a week since she shot Sadeik. She hasn't slept, except for the nightmares, barely eats, she is unfocused at work and sloppy. She bit Budd's six just for dropping a paper outside her office yesterday. Harm stopped by after he heard what had happened being his usual overprotective good friend self but she managed to avoid all real conversation about what happened with old faithful "I'm really tired, I should probably get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow." Webb just got back in to town yesterday and she has managed to avoid his calls and when she stopped by tonight she didn't answer the door. Today the Admiral ordered her to take some time off after she almost lost a slam dunk case, she just couldn't focus. To be honest the hole week is just a blur that stretches from nightmare to nightmare....  
  
Back to present.....once she has regained some sort of composure she climbs out of bed, washes her face and tries to find something anything to do to take he mind off the past week, she fixes some eggs and bacon, that she wont eat, then sits down to look over some work that she brought home. Before long the sun is coming up so she decides to take a run thinking it might help release some of her pent up energy, it didn't it only gave her time to think, she feels like she needs to talk to someone so after she showers she heads to Harm's  
  
Harms apt 0900  
  
It's Sat. Harm had just finished fixing breakfast for Himself and the girls and was cleaning things up while they went back to there apt. to get ready for the day when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he is a little surprised to see Mac standing there, clean and crisp as the morning dew, but something in her eyes gave her away, they looked cold and hollow.   
  
"Hey Mac, come on in" he says cheerfully  
  
"I just wanted to tell you in person about what happened yesterday." she quickly says. That is the only excuse she can think of for stopping by.  
  
"About the Admiral?" he asks  
  
"Yea, how did you know?" she asks a little confused  
  
"I asked. I seen you leave and to be honest I've been a little worried about you , your off Mac." Harm says in his a little bluntly  
  
"Well thanks for the support. Your supposed to be my friend Harm. You sound just like the Admiral. I don't know why I even   
  
thought I could talk to you." Mac says defensively  
  
Shocked by her response Harm persist "Wait a minute Mac. I am your friend and friends are supposed to be honest with   
  
each other, even it if the other doesn't want to hear it. You've been through a lot Mac, and you should talk to someone about it."  
  
"You think I need a shrink!" Mac yells  
  
"I don't know? I just think you need to talk to someone. Webb's back have you spoke with him about things.?" Harm asks  
  
"No, I just cant." Mac replies still on the defense  
  
"Have you spoke with anyone Mac?" Harm questions softly  
  
"I came here to talk to you, but I can see that was a mistake. I'm sorry I bothered you Harm!" Mac blurts and turns to go  
  
"Mac..." Harm pleads  
  
"I'm not crazy Harm. I just needed a friend." and she walked out  
  
2100 Mac's apt  
  
There is a knock at the door and Webbs voice calling her name, not feeling like company but knowing that she cant avoid   
  
him forever she reluctantly answers the door.  
  
"Sarah where have you been? I have been trying to reach you for days. I heard about what happened with Sadeik." Webb   
  
blurts out as soon as she answers the door. He takes off his jacket and throughs it on the chair before he turns to really look at her.  
  
Mac just stands there looking so frail as she tries to put on her strong front for the world to see.  
  
  
  
"God, Sarah I'm sorry." Webb whispers as he takes her in his arms. He walks her over to the couch and they sit down. He realizes that the apartment is really dark. The only light is coming from a small lamp on the table in the corner. "Did he hurt you?" Webb finally asks  
  
"No, I'm fine." Mac says trying to sound as normal as possible  
  
With those three words he realizes that she's not fine, he is unsure of what he walked in on, but a "FINE" Sarah McKenzie wasn't it.  
  
"Tell me what happened Sarah." Webb softly says  
  
"Nothing. He followed me, he kidnapped me, and I killed him. That simple" Mac said void of all emotion  
  
"Sarah start from the beginning" Webb says soft but stern  
  
Mac goes through the story skimming over the last 10 seconds then sits there quietly  
  
"You had no choice Sarah. You did the right thing. Don't let it control you like this. I know its hard to take a life but he would have killed you if you didn't." Webb encourages softly  
  
"No Clayton, that's just it, I didn't have to do it." Mac adds  
  
"What do you mean? You said that he had his gun on you, if thats not self defense I don't know what is." Webb says a little lightly  
  
"He didn't. I mean I disarmed him with my first shot. Then I shot him in cold blood with my second. I just couldn't stop myself." Mac finally confesses  
  
"It's part of the job Sarah, men like that won't stop until they are dead. You did the right thing." Webb says like its no big deal  
  
"I didn't do it because it was the right thing, Clayton, or to stop him. I did it because of Paraguay, and what he did to us and to you and to make the nightmares stop. It wasn't the right thing Clay, it was payback!" Mac half yells at his light hearted attitude toward taking a life  
  
"Your a Marine, marines kill guys like him all the time, he deserved it, let it go. If you can't maybe you should talk to someone about it." Webb says a little to non shalontly  
  
"Go to hell Webb! I did it for you, is it to much to ask for a little understanding. I thought I was talking to someone about it, YOU. After everything, you think I'm crazy... Go to hell Webb! And Get Out!  
  
"Sarah! I didn't mean it like that, and I didn't ask you to kill anyone for me..."  
  
"Now there is the Clayton Webb I remember never assume responsibility, cold, never feels too much." Mac adds sarcastically  
  
"Maybe that's true Sarah, but look at yourself, your a mess, you need to get it together."  
  
Webb says trying to defend himself at least a little  
  
"I'm sorry and do you know something Clay, I think your right. I do need to get things together and it all starts here. We started seeing each other because of what happened in Paraguay, we felt this connection to each other because of what we had gone through and I think that we were both afraid to come home and be alone after it. But that is no real reason for two people to be together. A relationship should start based on something stronger something real, not fear. I'm sorry Clayton it's over." Mac can feel the weight on her lifting as the tears start to fall with each word and knows that what she has said is the right thing.  
  
"All right Sarah..." he slowly picks up his jacket and walks over to her "All right.." he whispers as he gently kisses her cheek  
  
"I'm sorry." she whispers  
  
"I know your are Sarah. But for the record, it was real for me."he whispers and he leaves her standing alone.. in the dark ...  
  
She sat there all night, in the dark trying to make sense of things, feelings, fears, her life. She managed to drift off just as the sun was coming up and the next thing she new she was back in her nightmare again screaming, but this time there was something different, Harm was there calling her name, his voice kept getting louder and louder and then someone grabbed her, she fought go get away but he held on tight softly calling her name, she could feel herself leaving this place, then she was awake, and Harm was holding her, softly calling her name.   
  
She couldn't stop the onset of tears that followed. For the first time she felt safe, there in his arms and all guards dropped in that one vulnerable moment. Harm just held her tight and gently stroked her hair. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest from the closeness of her and the deep sorry for not being able to help her.  
  
Slowly Mac came back to her senses "I'm sorry Harm, I've just been having these nightmares lately and they are so real." Mac says as she pulls away and tries to regain her composure  
  
"It's all right Mac. That's actually why I came over here.Well not about your nightmare but I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I don't think your crazy, I just know that this sort of thing is better out than in." Harm began  
  
"I know it is. It's just hard..." she confessed  
  
"What is Mac?"  
  
"Not being a woman in a mans world. Everyone thinks because I am a Marine that I am void of all emotion. I have to be strong,suck it up, to show any weakness or emotion is a sign of weakness a sign of being a women and everything negative they say about women in the service." Mac began  
  
"Mac they make the uniform to fit a human being, man or woman. Most men would have trouble dealing with what you have been through, especially having to do it alone."  
  
"I promised myself when I joined up that after everything that I had been through in my life, I would never be weak again. But I honestly don't think I can hold this in Harm and it scares me to death."  
  
"Mac you don't have to go through this alone. You have Webb." Harm could taste the bitterness of the words on his tounge.  
  
"No I don't, at least not anymore..."Mac began  
  
"What? I thought you to..." Harm asked confused  
  
"I ended it last night, long story, don't ask." Mac said a little defeated  
  
"I'm still here Mac,share it with me ." Harm stated very sincerely  
  
"You? Why would you want to bother with me Harm, I've been awlful toward you since Paraguay? Mac asked a little embarassed at remembering what she had said to him infront of their hotel in Paraguay, and now him standing there wanting to help her after everything she's put him through.  
  
"You know why Sarah. Let me be the one to help you, just once don't push me away.Please." Harm says with so much passion.   
  
He can't hold back anymore. His heart is breaking at her pain he just wants to hold her, but knows he can't push. So he just stands there, servered up on a platter waiting to see if she will take a taste.  
  
She stares at him for a minute, shocked by the amount of emotion in his voice..."All right Harm." is all she says  
  
"Your not weak Sarah, you human, that's all. No more, no less." He says as he tries to look into her darting eyes  
  
"Thank you Harm" she says as she slowly leans in to lay her head back on his chest  
  
He quickly and softly wraps his arms tightly around her and before long he can feel that she has drifted off to sleep only this time no nightmare followed...  
  
TBC 


End file.
